I don't know why I have been such a bitch lately, picking fights with my partner when all she is trying to do is to take care of me and be nice to me. She is the loveliest person ever, and I love her to bits. But then, I ask myself whether or not I want to be taken care of and such. The answer is NO, I want to be left on my own device and do whatever the hell I want; hence I am constantly annoyed with her, screaming my head off and say horrible stuff to her. Seriously, she deserves someone better. I don't know if I should be mega terrible to her so she would leave me and get herself someone much nicer and normal.
I hurt her feelings once again and now she is sleeping on the sofa instead of our bed, which makes me feel really lonely and want to beat myself up for being such a massive bitch. I really don't know why I am so irritated even though I have been offered the job at the fro-yo place, I guess I really have to sort myself out. I feel like everything is spiraling out of my control and I just want some back. I can't even control my frigging emotions. I wish I could just shut my filthy mouth up sometimes and just disappear into thin air. I wish I was dead.
Things here get complicated and messy really quick, especially with the ones we love. I think you know deep down that if you pushed her away your misery would consume you. Having people around that love you, even when you are bitch, is comforting, even if you don't know it. I can be an emotional roller coaster, and say the most spiteful things. What I've learned to do is preface them, just make a statement before or after you say something awful that I'm not doing okay right now, I'm really fucking pissed off and moody and I need to not be around anyone for a bit. It helps. It lets them know that it's not about them, and saying it outloud often stops me from saying anything more.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best love, please do not wish you are dead. We are all here for your support.
Love Always,
Ana's Angel
xoxo
Thanks for your lovely comment above. I used to tell her that I am pissed off and want to be left alone and such, yet she kept asking me what's wrong and made me feel so annoyed and agitated that I slashed out again, which resulted in her driving to her mum's.
ReplyDeleteI guess I shall try and lock myself in another room,so we get a bit of space and eventually calm down a bit. It could take me forever though, cuz I am a bit of pessimistic.
After a cutting session last night and a chat with my family (non ED related), I am feeling a lot calmer now. Thanks again for your advice and support, I just can't thank you enough. Hope you had a good day.
Stay Strong and Pretty xxx