Torn

I wish I was healthy again and could eat whatever I want, just like the days when I was a kid, knew nothing about calories, dieting, restricting, and eating disorders.

However, on the other hand, I love to be in control and be stick thin.

Today, I tried hard to be normal and ate healthily. Had fruits for breakfast, a low-cal soup for lunch, and veggie bolognese for supper, yet I still made sure that there was no fat in any of the food I ate. I dunno, I guess I am just a bit lost.. tmr will be restricting again, even though I am making my lovely girlfriend a veggie big breakfast.

Stay Strong and Pretty

xxx

Happy First Day at Work!!

I can't believe that I got tipped on my first day at work, and time literally just flew by. Working at the fro-yo place is just brilliant, as I am constantly surrounded by food and it sort of makes me feel full; hence I wasn't hungry at all. I love watching ppl eat as well, especially when they are eating the food that I made, it makes me happy.

Most of all, all I had today was a miso soup, which has only got 32 kcals in!! yay!!! I think I should get myself a set of scales and start monitoring. I know it;s going to upset my girlfriend, but... I really have to start monitoring as I am pretty sure that I will ruin the effort I made and start binging rather soon.

Stay Strong and Skinny. xxx

An Alright Day?

In terms of restricting, I did alright today, had around 150 kcals, could be better if I didn't have the 4 egg whites. Still I am going to have a laxatea to make sure that nth stays in my system. Starting my new job tmr so I am a bit nervous.

Relationship-wise, just a little argument which was solved within 10 mins.

SO I guess I had an alright day?

Stay Strong and Pretty.

A Tiny Weeny Bit of Sunshine?

Right, after the binge and purge day yesterday, I had a really sore throat and stomach today, which is kind of great as it reminds me if I binged, I can't purge cuz it even hurts to swallow sometimes, so I didn't binged today, and all I had today was 2 massive bowls of veggie stir-fry, 4 poached egg whites, and a couple of crisps. I know I shouldn't have had the crisps, but at least I stopped after 6 of them, instead of stuffing my face with it, which I normally do.

Relationship stuff is just as usual, we fight, she forgives, makes me feel crap cuz at the bottom of my heart, I know that I don't deserve someone as lovely and caring as she is, who makes her best effort to take care of me, whilst I am just a selfish bitch.

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Secret mission

Binge/Purge day

Yep, had a binge purge day today, and I am not feeling as bad as I thought. This is what I binged on today:

2 slices of bread

a Chicken breast smothered in chilli oil

Gyozas

caramel popcorn

chicken wings

garlic king prawn

2 slices of veggie pizza with cheesy bites

a packet fruit gums

a bowl of porridge with soya milk

another 2 slices of bread

half a lobster

3 chocolate brownies, and

2 rice cakes

I am such a greedy bastard with no control.. I need my willpower and control back, the numbers have to go down.

Lost

I don't know why I have been such a bitch lately, picking fights with my partner when all she is trying to do is to take care of me and be nice to me. She is the loveliest person ever, and I love her to bits. But then, I ask myself whether or not I want to be taken care of and such. The answer is NO, I want to be left on my own device and do whatever the hell I want; hence I am constantly annoyed with her, screaming my head off and say horrible stuff to her. Seriously, she deserves someone better. I don't know if I should be mega terrible to her so she would leave me and get herself someone much nicer and normal.

I hurt her feelings once again and now she is sleeping on the sofa instead of our bed, which makes me feel really lonely and want to beat myself up for being such a massive bitch. I really don't know why I am so irritated even though I have been offered the job at the fro-yo place, I guess I really have to sort myself out. I feel like everything is spiraling out of my control and I just want some back. I can't even control my frigging emotions. I wish I could just shut my filthy mouth up sometimes and just disappear into thin air.  I wish I was dead.

Shit day

I couldn't remember when was the last time I cut before this week, and I cut twice within 5 days. It's making me calm and not panic. The constant pain is like a reminder what a shit life I have and what I loser I am. I did so well today till I got forced to go a frd's place for supper and had a three course meal. I need laxatives in me now. 

It seems to me that my weight doesn't want to go lower than 102 pounds; hence my bmi is still the same. I have to loose more and make sure that I am the in CONTROL, not the others, not my tummy, not food, JUST ME. 

Oh, and I went to a job interview this morning and I wish I'd get the job, as it implies that I will be out of the house more and I won't be monitored as much. Btw, it's a job at the frozen yogart place, which means that I will be surrounded by food constantly and will not be able to have any, how brilliant is that!!!

FML

Binged all day, and could not purge. I hate my greedy bitch self!!!!

What a Stupid Decision

Why the fuck did I think that it was a good idea to come to Switzerland and see my sister's family and my mummy?? Coming here means that I am being watched 24/7 regarding my eating. I cannot binge/purge or fast. My mummy keeps monitoring my eating and persuades me to eat more when I should not be eating at all. I am so agitated now...

Please don't get me wrong. I miss and love my family loads and think it would be nice if my daddy was here as well, shame that he has to go to work, but I am sort of glad that I am heading back to England on the coming Saturday when it's easier to hide my eating habits. 

I have to try my very best to avoid food tomorrow and the days after. 

Stay strong and be skinny.

Black Friday

It's Friday, which implies that I will be supervised 24/7, oh dear. 

Ate far too much yesterday and now I am paying the price, i.e. no food all weekend. Why the hell did I think Scampi, Fish and Chips would make a good supper? Oh, and the 2 horrible cheese twist pastry things I got from Sainsbury's. 

I even had lunch at the office!! A bloody blueberry porridge made with soya milk. I am such a pig. What I have to think about now, is how to fake that I have eaten when I clearly haven't, and how to hide food from the table..  Geez.... I have to be devious.... 

Stay Skinny and Pretty!!!

It has been a rather horrible few days.
Yesterday, I have been told my bum has gone flat; hence we should buy a bathroom scale and work out together, then you told me I am getting too obsessed with the functions of the scales that you are worried that I might relapse, so we are not buying one. FINE! I am going on a diet.

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work, missed you all day, and felt guilty for lying to you, telling you that I had a sandwich for lunch when I simply just threw it away.
Thought I would be good and have supper with you, which ended up in an argument, and I still had to eat the swede, carrot and potato mash that you insisted on buying, which I wasn't very keen on. It's POTATOES for god's sake!

Now, I am dreading the weekend cuz it means that we will be together 24/7 and it's going to be difficult to lie about my eating. I can already foresee loads of arguments. Would be nice if I could work 7 days a week.