Grrr!!!!!!

I had such a great start of the day, skipped breakfast, did some exercises on the exercise bike plus some floor exercise, had a lovely shower, walked my lovely puppies, went to town and bought protein shakes and bars. Sounds like a pretty good start, eh? (even though my gf got really angry when she saw the protein shakes and bars.)

Every effort went down the drain as soon as I had a third of that protein bar, I started binge.

I had:
a protein shake
50g of dried mangoes
4 eggwhites
100g of homemade chilli con carne + 1/4 of a wholemeal tortilla wrap + 10g of brown rice
50g of blueberries
half a packet of crisps (approximately 75g)
4 grissini sticks
nutella

I tried my very best to purge the crisps, grissini sticks and nutella out, but I know I haven't purged enough crisps or grissini sticks!! I am so annoyed and scared that my body might have got used to purging and it is refusing to do it anymore.

Also, I am meeting a frd that I haven't seen for years for supper tomorrow, the venue is about an hour drive from mine, so purging right after the meal is out of question. I will have to make sure that I order food that can be easily hidden and is low in fat and cal. god.. I am so anxious about it that I feel sick and want to cut!! I should have said no to supper!!!

I am looking forward to seeing one of my best frds on the coming friday though. She knows all about my ed and won't even try to make me eat, which is brilliant. Plus, I need someone to talk to about my problems and she is very understanding. My ed isn't sth that I can talk about with my gf as she will get really upset and angry. It heartbreaking to know that you are hurting someone who loves you a lot. I wish I was little again and didn't give a shit about calories and body weight.

Stay Strong and Skinny. xxx